Christmas jokes

My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me something for it! Doctor: Try this medicine...and if it doesn't work come back and bring me a new video camera.

I wouldn't say Christmas gnomes are small. But they used to be lumberjacks on a mushroom farm!

I wouldn't say Christmas gnomes are ugly, But if beauty's skin deep then they were was born inside out!

I wouldn't say that Christmas gnomes are cross-eyed, but when they cry the tears run down their back!

What do gnomes fear most about Christmas? They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!

Father Christmas: How do I stop a Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge? Gnome : Put a five pound note between his teeth and stick his head over the side of the sledge.

What song do Father Christmas' gnomes sing to him when he comes home cold on Christmas night? Freeze a jolly good fellow!

What's a ghosts favourite Christmas entertainment ? A phantomime !

Father Christmas: Excuse me, but did I step on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream? Lady: You certainly did! Father Christmas: Oh good! That means I'm back in the right row!

Father Christmas: All right, my good lady, my face is my ticket. Box office attendant: Then you'd better watch out... there's a feller inside who has the job of punching the tickets.

Father Christmas: What's your favourite Christmas story? Elf: The one about the ghost that steals porridge! Father Christmas: You mean 'Ghoul-di-locks'!

Father Christmas:I like the story about the girl who steals from the rich and gives it all to Granny. Elf: That's Little Red Robin Hood'!

Father Christmas: What's your favourite Christmas story? Elf: The one where the three creatures are scared of the Big Bad Wolf and they grow on trees! Father Christmas: You mean 'The Three Little Figs'.

Elf: My favourite film is about the man who casts spells in the middle of a swamp. Father Christmas: That's called 'The Wizard of Ooze'!

Someone bought Scrooge a clock for Christmas. He put it straight in the bank. Why did he do that? He was trying to save time!

What's Scrooge's favourite Christmas game? Mean-opoly.

What's a hairdressers's favourite Christmas song? 'Oh comb all ye faithful'

A football supporter's favourite Christmas song? 'Yule never walk alone'

A rabbit's favourite Christmas song? 'Lettuce with a gladsome mind'

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ? Santa Paws !

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents? Elephanta Claus !

What game do reindeer play in their stalls? Stable-tennis!

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ? Because he didn't want to be recognised !

What reindeer can jump higher than a house? They all can! Houses can't jump!

'Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can't tell me why he does that!' 'Oh, yes I can.' the elf said. 'Because tow 'Eds are better than one, of course!'

Dear Father Christmas, this Christmas could you please send me a yellow door. Yours, Sherlock Holmes Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes? Lemon-entry my dear watson.

Dear Father Christmas, could you please send me some Crocodile shoes!. Father Christmas: Can't do that one. He hasn't said what size his crocodile takes!

What's Christmas called in England ? Yule Britannia !

What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song? Jungle bells.

How long does it take to burn a candle down ? About a wick !

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ? Santa Jaws !

One time Father Christmas lost his underpants. That's how he got the name Saint Knickerless!

What does Father Christmas call his money ? Iced lolly ?

I remember when Father Christmas first passed his sleigh-driving test. He came skidding down in front of the toy factory.'Have you passed?' I asked. Father Christmas pointly proudly to the front of the sleigh. 'See for yourself!' he called proudly. 'No-el plates!'

A group of mountain climbers once heard Father Christmas go past. They must have had sharp ears! They were mountain-ears!

Father Christmas: I thought I asked you to go out there and clear the snow! I'm on my way, Father Christmas. Father Christmas: But you only have one welly on! That's all right! There's only one foot of snow!

I've had a slight accident with your sleigh, Father Christmas! Father Christmas: Oh no! That sleigh was in mint condition! That's all right....now it's a mint with a hole!

What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards ? Best vicious of the season

How do sheep greet each other at Christmas ? A merry Christmas to ewe

Doctor, Doctor, Father Christmas gives us oranges every Christmas. Now I think I'm turning into an orange! Have you tried playing squash?

Who made this Christmas pudding? Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool. What did he use to make it? Elf-raising flour, of course.

Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean. That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!

What can Santa give away and still keep? A cold.

ELF: Santa, one of the reindeer swallowed my pencil! What should I do? SANTA: Use a pen.

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A subordinate claus.

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage? Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle.

JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus? MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

ELF NO. 1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve? ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone, sack time!!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!

Who sings "Love me tender", and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis.

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph

What is the cow's holiday greeting? Mooooory Christmas!

What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!

How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas? Forty feet of track - all straight!

What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? It was wound up already.

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn't buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl. 'You're getting your Christmas present a week early this year,' her mother explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. 'Is that what you want?' The little girl said, 'It's wonderful, mother...just what I wanted. There's just one thing wrong!' 'What's that?' her mother asked. 'Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and another little claw on the inside of every paw - but the poor little thing has no claws at all in the middle of its paws!' Her mother smiled. 'Don't worry, Kitty. When you wake up on Christmas morning you'll find the claws are there.' Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worrie d about the claws in the middle of its paws. The days passed and there wasn't even a hint, a clue or an inkling of claws in the middle of its paws. When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still no sign, Kitty went to her mother and asked again, 'Are you absolutely sure that the kitten will have its middle claws tomorrow? There's only a few hours to go and there's not a hint or clue or an inkling as to claws as far as I can see.' 'Wait till you wake up on Christmas morning,' her mother smiled and went on stuffing the turkey. So Kitty went to sleep a worried girl. When she woke up on Christmas morning she ignored the presents in her stocking and rushed downstairs to look at her little kitten. She was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her kitten had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if by magic. Kitty rushed to her parent's bedroom. 'Mummy , Mummy! The kitten has grown its middle claws!' 'Of course it has,' her mother grinned. 'But how did you know?' Kitty demanded. Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed, 'Oh, Kitty, everybody knows that Centre-claws always comes at Christmas!'

It was Christmas eve, and Santa was really busy making his list and checking it twice, when there came a knock at the door. His wife comes in. "Honey, where do you want me to put your boots and gloves?" Well, Santa is very busy and so he's slightly annoyed by this trivial question, so he snaps at her, "Put them by the front door, and stop bothering me. I'm trying to get some work done." He starts back to work, but a few minutes later an elf barges in. "Santa, we got all the toys wrapped, what should we do with them?" Santa snaps, "Stick 'em in the sleigh! Can't you see I'm trying to get ready? I don't want any more interruptions!" But sure enough, as soon as he starts back to work, there is another interruption. An angel, standing at the door, says, "Santa, I have your Christmas tree. Where would you like me to put it?" And this is where we get the tradition of placing an ange l on top of the Christmas tree.

"Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie?" "He said it was too tight."

Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle.

What's the most popular wine at Christmas? "I don't like sprouts!"

Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations? Santa Clues.

Why is it so cold at Christmas? It's in Decembrrrrr.

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? Its true....Comet cleans sinks!

Why does Santa Claus only have seven reindeer? Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly Hills.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window? "Looks like rein dear"

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