Blonde jokes

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?" "No," re plies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"

The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. "Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked, "Where did you get that?" The pig replied, "I won her in a raffle!"

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats".

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger. First Blonde: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Second Blonde: Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!

Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks. The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think they could be bird tracks." The second blonde went to look and said, "No, I think these are deer tracks." They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!

A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling, "You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump. Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet." Then the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country. After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157." The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run - she is still holding the grenade!

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping tablets!

Why did the blonde burn her ear? The phone rang while she was ironing!

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton? It said "concentrate" on it!

A blonde once shot an arrow into the air... but missed!

Did you hear about the blonde tap dancer? She fell in the sink!

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday? Tell her a joke on a Monday!

How do you make a blondes eyes shine bright? Shine a torch in her ear!

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant!

What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but never see any!

I offered a blonde a penny for her thoughts.... she gave me change!

Did you hear about the blonde who was a really good cook? She could get pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece!

Be careful never to let a blonde have a coffee break... It takes too long to retrain her afterwards!

Postcard from a blonde: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Why don't you see blonde pharmacists? They can't get the bottles into the typewriter!

What do you call a blonde standing between two brunettes? A mental block!

What do you call 100 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel!

I looked into a blonde's eyes, but all I saw was the back of her head!

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up!

Why did the blonde cross the road? I don't know. Neither did she!

Did you hear about the blonde with tire marks on her back? She crawled across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

A blonde tried to blow up her husband's car, but burned her lips on the tailpipe.

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade!

Want to know how to amuse a blonde for hours? Write please turn over on both sides of the paper!

Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back!

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator? A: The blonde works in the dark!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? A: The joystick is wet.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles.

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do Blondes say after sex? A1: Thanks Guys. A2: Are you boys all in the same band? A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ? A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree? A: Wave

Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots.

Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth!

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon? A: Far-from-thinkin

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? A: It swells at night.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved.

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..." The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde turns around and shouts, "Can't you see I'm winning!"

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Would you mind coming over and helping me out with this killer jigsaw puzzle I bought -- I can't figure out how to get started." Her friend asks, "What's the puzzle of?" "From the picture on the box, I'd guess it's a tiger," replied the blonde. The friend obliges, and when he arrives the blonde greets him at the front door and then shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. Then, he turns to her and says, "I'm afraid that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of the tiger on the box." "Why not?" asks the disappointed blonde. "Because, you didn't buy a jigsaw puzzle... what you have here is a box of Frosted Flakes."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one." The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" asks the blonde. "Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed." "Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

Q. Why was the blonde in the tree? A. Because she was raking up the leaves!

A blonde comes home from a day of shopping and discovers that her house is on fire, so she calls the fire department on her cell phone. "Please state the nature of your emergency," says the operator. "Help! My house is on fire!" the blonde replies. "Okay, where do you live?" "In a house you silly billy!" the blonde replies. "No,no! How do we get there?" the operator asks fustratedly. "Duh! Big Red Truck!!"

One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land. When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home.

A blonde goes into a Best Buy. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV - it's a microwave."

A. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? Q. They think their picture is being taken.

A man was trimming his bushes. His neighbor (the blonde) walks out, checks her mail only to see that it's empty, and goes back inside. Five minutes later, she comes back out, checks her mail again only to see that it's still empty, and goes back in. The third time she comes out, the man asks her, "Excuse me, is there a problem?" The blonde replies, "Darn right there's a problem! My computer keeps on telling me 'I've got mail'!"

Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for Winter".

Q. What is eternity? A. When 4 blondes meet at a 4-way-stop-sign-intersection!

Q. What does a blonde see when she looks into a box of cheerios? A. Donut seeds.

Q. What is the fastest way to get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A. Wave at her.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde a dded, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde,"I'm sorry. Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your seat." The blonde replied,"Im blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." The attendant said,"That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat." The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in coach. The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move. He said, "I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York."

Q. If a blonde and a brunette were falling off a building, who would hit the ground first? A. The brunette because the blonde would stop for directions.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes? A. An interpreter.

Q. Why did the blonde write "TGIF" on her shoes? A. To remind her that "toes go in first."

One day a blonde, red-head, and a brunette were driving through the desert when all of a sudden their car broke down. They decided they would all walk to civilization. The red-head said, "I'm going to take water so if I get thirsty I can drink it." Then the brunette said, "I'm going to take some food so if I get hungry I can eat." And then the blonde said "I'm going to take the car door, so if I get hot, I can roll the window down!"

One day there was a blonde riding a horse. The horse kept going faster and faster until the blonde fell off, with her foot getting stuck in the stirrup. Hearing her screams for help, finally a Wal-Mart clerk came over and turned off the merry-go-round.

A blonde walks into a hair salon to get her hair cut wearing headphones. The stylist asks her to take off her headphones but the blonde refuses. So the stylist takes them off and the blonde collapses to the ground and dies. The stylist picks up the headphones and hears, "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

A blonde was swimming. She swam deeper and deeper until she drowned. Her husband came home and found her dead in the bathtub.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead were standing in a line before a firing squad. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the brunette yells "TORNADO!" All the people turned around and looked and the brunette ran away. Next, it's the redhead's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the redhead yells "HURRICANE!" Once again all the people turn around to look for the hurricane and the redhead runs away. Finally, it's the blonde's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the blonde yells "FIRE!" and gets shot.

Q. What do you call a blonde who dies her hair brown? A. Artificial intelligence.

There's a brunette standing in the middle of a street jumping up and down, counting "57, 57, 57." A blonde walks up to her and decides that this game could be fun. She asks the brunette if she can play too and the brunette says, "Sure." So the two jump up and down counting "57, 57, 57." Suddenly, the brunette jumps onto the curb and the blonde gets hit by a truck. The brunette goes back into the street and starts jumping again, counting "58, 58, 58."

Q. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A. So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q. What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A. A rebel without a clue!

Q. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? A. The 1995 Hide and Seek World Champion.

Q.Why did the blonde get thrown out of the M & M factory? A. She kept throwing out all the W's.

One day while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggled and replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde all escape from a prison together. They run into the nearby woods and all climb up seperate trees. When the police find the redheads tree and ask who is up there, the redhead chirps like a bird. Then the police go to the brunette's tree. When they ask who is up there, the brunette makes chipmunk noises. Finally, when the police go to the blonde's tree and ask who is up there, the blonde goes,"MOOOOOOOOOO!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are all stuck on a deserted island together. The island is 20 miles from the nearest inhabited island so they all decide to try to swim there. The redhead makes it 10 miles, is exhausted, gives up, and drowns. The brunette makes it 15 miles before she's too tired to go any farther and drowns. The blonde gets 19 miles away from the deserted island, decides she's too tired to go any farther, and swims all the way back to the deserted island.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A. You can park in the handicap zone.

Q. How did the blonde die ice-fishing? A. She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Q. What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear? A. "Thanks for the refill!"

Q. Why do blondes have more fun? A. They are easier to keep amused.

Q. Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? A. To see what was on the other side.

Q. How do you drown a blonde? A1. Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2. Stick a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Q. Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle after only 6 months? A. Because on the box it said: From 2-4 years.

Q. What did the blonde say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase? A. "It's okay Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q. How do you confuse a blonde? A. Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q. How do blonde brain cells die? A. Alone

One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly, the blonde's friend said, "Oh, look, a dead birdie!" The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working? A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? A: From eating with forks.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it.

Q: How does a blonde kill a worm? A: She burys it.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been sighted.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that invented the solar flashlight?

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs? A1: Because they can spell it. A2: Because they can spell BWM.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered.

Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A Space Invader.

Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: Why are blondes like corn flakes? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An air bag.

Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A: She can't say "No".

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor.

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route.

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?? A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian? A: Because she loved children.

Q.What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? A: Third Grade.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A: A thought.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A: One.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ? A: She didn't know what ONE came first...

Q: Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license? A: "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"

Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers licence ? A: She wasn't used to the front seat!

Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.? Blonde: I don't know. Why? Teller: It was easier to spell. Blonde: Easier than what?

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

Q: How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant? A: She sneezes.

Q: Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low? A: She thought it was Diet Coke.

Q: Why don't blondes like buttered toast? A: They can't figure out which side the butter goes on.

When a blonde goes to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat ? Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row

Q: Why did the blonde keep a empty carton of milk in the fridge? A: In case she wanted black coffee.

I wonder what happened to that dumb blonde I went out with. I dyed my hair !

Q: Why do blondes put rulers on their foreheads? A: They want to measure their intelligence.

Q: Why do blondes stand under light bulbs? A: It's the closest they'll come to a bright idea.

... Q.) Why would a blonde wear green lipstick? A.) Because red means Stop.

Q.) What would you call a bunch of blondes stacked on top of each other? A.) An air mattress.

Q.) What happens when a Blonde eats a mosquito? A.) She has more brain cells in her stomach than her head.

Q: Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders? A: So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying "I don't know?" whenever you ask them a question.

Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.

Q: What thoughts do Blondes have after reading these jokes? A: None, as usual... and they most likely didn't understand them either.

Q: What is dumber than the Blonde jokes above? A: Me for wasting hours editing and typing these damn things.

A blonde opened a hair salon next to a graveyard and named it ''Curl Up and Dye.''

Why did the blonde run out of shampoo? She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? That's where you wash all your vegetables!

Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight? She wanted to get a dark tan.

Why did the blonde call the welfare office? She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl? "Just flush it like everybody else does."

Hear about the blonde explorer? She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed? She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.

What is every blonde's ambition in life? To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for french fries.

Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops? So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.

What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? Branch manager.

Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? The rest are hunt'n peckers.

Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips? From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? The noise gave her a headache.

These two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge? They are for those who don't drink!

What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes at a four way stop.

What goes Blonde, Brunette, Blonde, Brunette ? A blonde doing cartwheels.

What's a blondes idea of natural childbirth? No make-up.

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night...

Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid? They can't get eight cups of water into that little packet.

How do you plant dope? Bury a blonde.

A friend meets up with her friend as she is picking her car up from the mechanic. Her friend asks, "Everything ok with your car now?" The blonde replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened? She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.

While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?" The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."

A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago. The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been found in the area. The blonde exclaimed, "Wow! I can't believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway!"

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart..."

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"

A blonde gets her first period, so she goes to the drugstore to get some pads. The wide selection and huge variety confuse her, so she asks the clerk for some help. "What kind of pads should I get?" she says. "This is all new to me." "Well," says the clerk, "that depends on the flow." She says, "It's ceramic tile."

This executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde women for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by? The first one said, "I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde." Her friend said, "She's a suicide blonde." The other said, "Suicide blonde? What's that?" The friend said, "Dyed by her own hand!"

One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse. Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.

A man works in the operations department of a large bank. Employees call him from the field when they have problems with their computers. One night a blonde woman from a branch bank called him and said, "I've got smoke coming from the back of my computer terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

A blonde's house is on fire. She runs outside and yells, "Help me! My house is on fire! What do I do?!" Someone else yells, "Call 911!" The blonde yells back, "What's the number?"

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes." She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?" "Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."

Why can't blondes make Kool Aid? Because they can't figure out how to get eight cups of water into that tiny little package.

Q:Once there was the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, Easter bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde they were walking down the road when they saw a $100 dollars bill who gets it?? A: No one the first four dont exsist and the other blonde thought it was a gumwraper!

Three blondes are stranded on an island. A fairy comes along and says that she will grant each person a wish. So the first blonde says she wants to be really smart so she digs and finds a cell phone and calls the Army. The second blonde says that she wants to be even smarter so she finds a flair and sets it off. The third blonde says that she wants to be even smarter than both of them, so the fairy changes her hair color to black and she says," Let's go over the bridge."

A blonde and her husband were driving home, when they hit a rabit. They both got out of the car and stood over the poor creature. The blonde and her husband just stood their, when she said "Oh i know." So she when in the car and rumaged through her purse and came out with what looked a bottle. She poured it on the rabit and they both got in the car. Suddenly the rabit got up hopped a little bit and waved, hopped a little and waved, hopped to the top of the hill and waved. Then dissapered over it. The husband just stared at his wife and said "Honey, what did you pour on that rabit?" His wife just said "Hair Restorer with a permanent wave."

There was a blonde who was at an all blonde football game. At halftime she was called down to answer questions to see if she could win $1000. The first question was what is 10 plus 11? She hesitates and says, hm.. 5! The host says no im sorry thats incorrect. All of the blondes in the stadium chanted "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" So the host agrees and said, "ok how about 5 plus 5." She answers and says 20. Again all the blondes chanted give her another chance, give her another chance. So the host agrees again and says, ok last chance, what is 2 plus 2. The blonde says 4! and the audience says Give her another chance give her another chance!

One day a blonde woman was down on her luck and she needed a quick way to get money. She saw some kids playing and thought "Hey! Maybe I can kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom!" So she creeps up and snatches one. So she began to write a note: "I have kidnaped your son and I will give him back if you put 10,000$ on the north side of the tree in the park. Signed Blonde." She sticks the note on the kid and sends him home. The next day she goes to the north side of the tree and in a paper bag was 10, 000$. But there was a note inside saying: "How could you do this to a fellow blonde!?!"

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!". She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise? The second blonde replies, " They didn't last year."

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead. She says, 'What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!' One of the blondes looks up and says, 'Yeah, but you've got a driver!'

A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED. ''Yes.''

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him. She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load." He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker looks at her and finally he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." "What on earth do you mean???" "Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!

Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calulator? A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde replied, ''What for? Are you going to set it on fire!''

Q: What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? A: "Would you like fries with that?"

A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless. ''Where have you been?'' asked the man. ''I can't believe you left me down there! I couldn't get the tailgate open!''

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time. ''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''

Q: Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job? A: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

A brunette walks into a bar and says, "Gimme an M L." The bartender says, "What's an M L?" The brunette says, "A Miller Light." Another brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a B L" The bartender says, "What's a B L?" She says, "Bud Light." A dumb blonde walks in and says, "Gimme a 15." The bartender says, "What's a fifteen?" The blonde says, "7&7, duh!"

Q: Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it? A: A blonde tried to shoot herself!

A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs. "Here we go again."

Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common? A: They can both drive you crazy.

Q: Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes? A: Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!

''Have you heard my knock-knock joke?'' asked the blonde. ''No,'' said the brunette. ''Okay,'' said the blonde, ''you start.''

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?" "You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.

Q: What kinds of people don't get invited to blonde parties? A: Women!

Q: What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: She's trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: What did the blonde's dentist find? A: Teeth in the cavity.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon? A: A vacant posession.

Q: What did the dumb blonde say when told that "Scheherezade" was composed by Rimsky-Korsakov ? A: "Why'd his mom choose to call him Rimsky of all names ?!!?"

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school? A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Manuever.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden.

Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"

Q: What is 74 to a blonde? A: 69 plus VAT

Q: Why do blondes drive VWs? A: Because they can spell it.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A1: They can't find the zipper. A2: They cant find the pull tab.

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jelly? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ''I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?'' Her mother replied, ''Of couse it is, dear.'' The next day, the blonde said, ''I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?'' Her mother replied, ''Of course it is dear!'' The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ''I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?'' Her mother replied, ''No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old."

Did you hear why they closed the Seattle Kingdom? While the crowd was doing the wave, two blondes drowned.

How do you kill a blonde? Give them a gun an say it is a blow dryer

This blonde is so stupid, she called me to get my telephone number!

One day 3 women went to the top of a water flume in a swimming pool. There was a black haired, brown haired, and a blonde haired woman. When they got to the top a genie appeared from nowhere and said "when your going down the flume shout out the on thing that you want and you will land in it at the bottom. So the black haired woman went down and shouted "money" and landed in a load of cash, the brown haired woman went down and shouted "gorgous men!" and landed in a pile of men. The blonde woman wasnt listening to the genie so she went down shouting weeeeeee.

One day a blond went out to check her mail box. There was nothing in it. Her neighbor who was also out there gives her a weird look. An hour later she goes back out to her mailbox and goes back in cause there was nothing in it and her neighbor goes "What the hell is she doing?" An hour later she goes back out side and looks in the mailbox and there is nothing in it. Finally the neighbor gets curious enough to ask her what she is doing. The blone says, "My stupid computer keeps saying you've got mail."

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousn ess or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?

Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: Because she didn't know which one came first!

Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together? A: They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted!

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?" "Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?" "Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces." "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London? A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: She turned it over and used the other side.

Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs? A: Some traffic signs say stop.

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first. "I think I'm the smartest woman on earth." "POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try. p> "I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth." "POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up. "I think--" "POOF!"

A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her. She screams, ''Nein! Nein!'' So two guys walk away.

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!" Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."

A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke swimming race across the English Channel. The brunette came in first, the redhead came in second and the blonde never finished. When the blonde got in the lifeboat she said, ''I don't want to be a tattletale or anything, but the other two used their arms.''

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager.

Did you hear about the blonde who missed the 44 bus? She took the 22 twice instead.

Did you hear about the blonde who put "Sagittarius" at the bottom of application forms where it said "Sign Here".

Q: How can you tell a blonde is being unfaithful? A: Everybody in the neighborhood is going to the pharmacy for penicillin.

Q: Why did the blonde jump off the cliff? A: She thought her maxi pad had wings

Q: What a BLONDE will ask the doctor, in the maternity ward? A: "Is it mine?"

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat, under a buck.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: What did the blonde say about blonde jokes? A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who hijacked a submarine? A: She demanded $200,000 and a parachute.

Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school? A: They are the only ones who erase their notebook when the teacher erases the board.

Q. How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher? A.It's cloged up with paper plates.

Q.How many blonde's does it take to change a light bulb? A. 3. 1 to find the bulb, 1 to find a ladder and 1 to find a man.

Q: How many blonde jokes are there? A: One - the rest are all true.

Q. How do you know a blonde has been using the computer? A. There is cheese in front of the mouse.

Q: How can you tell if a cat is blonde? A: No matter what height you drop it from it always lands on its head.

Q: What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets? A: She went looking for the three guys.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A: Married.

Q: How did the blonde kill her toy poodle? A: Trying to put batteries in it.

Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth? A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the blonde joke list.

Q: What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials? A: Double-dumb.

Q: How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde? A: It is the one with the kickstand.

Q: Where do you look for blonde's obituaries? A: Under "Home Improvements."

Q: Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows? A: It took her six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? A: She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

Q: Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side? A: She didn't know where to buy Left Guard!

Q: How does a blonde hemophiliac treat herself? A: Acupuncture.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite color? A: A light shade of clear.

Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: When he asks for a lifesaver, ask him what flavor he wants.

Q: How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash? A: She's the one on her bike.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a car accident? A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.

Q: Why didn't the blondes go to the movies on one buck night? A: They couldn't fit a deer into the car.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: Give her a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say 'hi.'

Q: What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are? A: Play ball.

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes? A: They take off their makeup.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed? A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins? A: She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.

Q: What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? A: Siamese twins.

Q: Why don't blonde's like audio-books? A: There aren't any pictures.

Q: Why will a blonde laugh at a joke three times? A: Once when you tell it, once when you tell her the punchline, and once when she gets it.

Q: What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age? A: "Today children, we will learn our ABC's"

Q: What can save a dying blonde? A: Hair transplants.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that got pregnant for the second time? A: She asked her husband if they needed to get married again.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde hoodlum? A: She runs around spray-painting her name on chain link fences.

Q: What do you call a blonde sky diving team? A: A new version of the lawn dart's game.

Q: Did you hear about the Blonde who got a pair of water-skis? A: She's still looking for a lake with a slope.

Q: What is a blonde's definition of a naval destroyer? A: A hula hoop with a nail in it.

Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size? A: Silicone chips.

Q: How do you electrocute a blonde? A: Tell her to demonstrate the proper usage of an electric chair.

Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail? A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.