A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On
the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know
you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me
and my
new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round
and and no
matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or
I'll break your
neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly
agrees.
On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as
instructed, and
behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the
honeymoon. The
wife however has packed too much and they can't get
the case closed.
"Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the
woman does so and
grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You
get on top baby it might be
better" Says the wife, so the man grunts
and groans and tries his best
but still cant shut the
case.
After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see
if
that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or
no neck
I have to see this!"
David received a parrot for his birthday. This
parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives
were, to
say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's
attitude.
He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft
music, he did
anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he
yelled at the bird,
the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird
got madder and ruder.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put
the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird
squawking, kicking and screaming
and then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and
quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto
David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have
offended you
with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiven
ess. I will try
to correct my behavior."
David was
astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to
ask what had
changed him when the parrot continued:
"May I ask what the
chicken did?"
Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped
them, they'd break
Q: What is a crowbar?
A: A place were crows go
to get a drink!
Q: Why did the turkey cross
the road?
A: To
prove he wasn't chicken.
Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: To
get to the chick across the street!
Late one night, a burglar
broke into a house
he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but
suddenly he froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say:
"Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the
burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice
boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a
bird cage and in the cage
was a parrot.
He asked the parrot:
"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the
parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the
parrot: "What's
your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot
named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who
named the Rottweiller
Jesus."
How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his
feathers are combed over to one side.
What do you get if you
cross a nun and a
chicken?
A pecking order.
What's brown and white and flies all
over?
Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chain saw!
What is a polygon ?
A dead parrot !
What birds spend all their time on their knees ?
Birds of prey !
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak ?
A headbanger !
When is the best time to buy budgies ?
When
they're going cheap !
How do you get a cut-price parrot ?
Plant
bird seed !
Why is a sofa like a roast chicken ?
Because
they're both full of stuffing !
What do you call a very rude
bird ?
A
mockingbird !
Where do birds meet for coffee ?
In a
nest-cafe !
How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land
safely ?
With it's sparrowchute !
What is green and pecks on trees ?
Woody Wood
Pickle !
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing
hide-and-seek ?
Fowl play !
Which bird is always out of breath ?
A puffin
!
What's got six legs and can fly long distances ?
Three swallows !
Why did the owl, owl ?
Because the woodpecker
would peck 'er !
What do you call a crate of
ducks ?
A box
of quackers !
What language do birds speak ?
Pigeon English
!
How do you get a parrot to talk properly ?
Send him to polytechnic !
What do you get if you cross a duck with a
firework ?
A firequaker !
What is a parrot's favorite game ?
Hide and
Speak !
What do you call a Scottish parrot ?
A Macaw
!
What do parrots eat ?
Polyfilla !
What do you give a sick bird ?
Tweetment !
What bird tastes just like butter ?
A stork
!
What's another name for a clever duck ?
A
wise quacker !
What do owls sing when it is raining ?
'Too
wet to woo' !
What flies through the jungle singing opera ?
The parrots of Penzance !
What kind of bird opens doors ?
A kiwi !
What is a duck's favorite TV show ?
The
feather forecast !
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a
shark ?
A bird that will talk you ear off !
What do you call a bird that
lives
underground ?
A mynah bird !
Where do birds invest their money ?
In the
stork market !
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a
woodpecker ?
A bird that talks in morse code !
What happens when ducks fly upside
down ?
They quack up !
What happened when the owl lost his voice ?
He didn't give a hoot !
What do you get if you cross a woodpecker
with a carrier pigeon ?
A bird who knocks before delivering its
message !
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a
centipede ?
A great walkie-talkie !
What do you get if your budgie flies into the
blender ?
Shredded Tweet !
What did they call the canary that flew into the
pastry dish ?
Tweetie Pie !
What kind of birds do you usually find locked up
?
Jail-birds !
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat ?
Because
she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated !
What is the definition of Robin ?
A bird who
steals !
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court
?
He heard the referee calling fowls
Why did the turkey cross the road
?
To
prove he wasn't chicken
Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross
the
road ?
Because he didn't have enough guts
Why did the chicken cross the
playground
?
To get to the other slide
Why did the chicken cross the "net" ?
It
wanted to get to the other site !
What do you call a rooster who
wakes you up
at the same time every morning ?
An alarm cluck !
Why does a chicken coop have two doors
?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
How long do
chickens work ?
Around the
cluck !
Why did the chicken end up in the soup
?
Because it ran out of cluck !
What do you call a crazy chicken ?
A cuckoo
cluck !
What happened to the chicken whose feathers were
all
pointing the wrong way ?
She was tickled to death !
What do you get when you cross a chicken
with
a duck?
A bird that lays down !
Why don't chickens like people ?
They beat
eggs !
Why is it easy for chicks to talk ?
Because
talk is cheep !
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder ?
She
lays hand gren-eggs !
What happened when the chicken ate cement
?
She laid a sidewalk !
What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of
fried chicken ?
She kicked the bucket !
Why did the chicken cross the road half way
?
He wanted to lay it on the line !
What do chicken families do on
Saturday
afternoon?
They go on peck-nics !
What did one chicken say to the other after they
walked through poison ivy ?
"You scratch my beak and I'll
scratch yours !"
Why did the chick
disappoint his mother ?
He wasn't what he was cracked up to be !
Is chicken soup good for
your health ?
Not
if you're the chicken !
What do chickens serve at birthday
parties
?
Coop-cakes !
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top
of a
barn ?
An eggroll !
What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg
?
The bombshell !
What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg
?
It eggs-plodes !
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road
without looking both ways?
Dead.
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg ?
Because
if he lifted up both legs it would fall over !
What is the
strongest bird ?
A crane !
What birds are found in Portugal ?
Portu-geese
!
What is the difference between a fly and a bird
?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird !
Q: Why did the chicken say,
"Meow, oink,
bow-wow, and moo?"
A: He was studying foreign languages.
My parrot lays square eggs but
can only say
one word.
What's that?
Ouch!
Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage?
Pupil: For a parrot to perch on, miss.
Where do the cleverest parrots live?
In the
brain tree forests!
What do you get if you cross a bee with a
parrot?
An animal that's always telling you how busy it is!
Why are there no
aspirin in the
jungle?
The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)
What is a parrot's favorite
game?
Hide
and Speak!
Where do blind parrots go for treatment?
The
Birds Eye counter!
What profession did the parrot get into when it
swallowed the clock?
Politics
What's the definition of a Parapet?
Pet
parrot kept by parachutist!
What's the definition of Parity?
Two parrots
exactly the same!
What geometric figure is like a runaway
parrot?
A polygon .
Teacher: What's the definition of a
Polygamist?
Pupil: A parrot with more than one wife!
What did the parrot say when he was using the
Internet?
P.Cs of eight, P.Cs of eight.
What's the definition of Polystyrene?
A
plastic parrot!
What do you call a parrot when it has dried
itself
after a bath?
Polly unsaturated!
What do you call the place where parrots make
films?
Pollywood!
What did the parrot say on Independence
Day?
Polly wants a firecracker!
What did the rich socialite's parrot
say?
Polly want a cracker, with cavier please!
What did the parrot say
when he saw a
duck?
Polly want a quacker!
Which bird ran for President?
H. Ross
Parrot
Why do parrots carry umbrellas?
So they don't
become polly-saturated!
How can you tell if a parrot
is
intelligent?
It speaks in Polly-syllables!
What's a parrot's favourite
game?
Monopoly!
What are a parrot's favourite literary
characters?
Mr Macawber and Pollyanna!
What's a parrot's favourite song?
I love
Parrots in the Springtime!
Why is politics for the birds?
Because
politiciands always parrot the same old lines!
Why did the
bird join he air force?
He
wanted to be a parrot trooper!
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A
carrot!
Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting
"Pieces of
four"?
Short John Silver!
What is a parrot?
A wordy birdy!
Why did the rooster run away ?
He was chicken
!
What is the definition of a goose ?
An animal
that grows down as it grows up !
What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'
?
A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons !
What did the baby
chick say when he saw his
mother sitting on an orange ?
'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'
!
How do you stop a rooser crowing
on Sunday ?
Eat him on Saturday !
What kind of bird lays electric eggs ?
A
battery hen !
What do you get from a drunk chicken ?
Scotch
eggs !
Why do ducks have webbed feet ?
To stamp out
forest fires !
What do you get if you cross a chicken
with a
cement mixer ?
A brick-layer !
Why does a rooster watch TV ?
For
hentertainment !
What happens when geese land in a volcano ?
They cook their own gooses !
Why were the hens lying on their backs
with
their legs in the air ?
Because eggs were going up !
How do you make a tame duck wild?
Annoy
it.
What do you get if you cross an eagle with a
skunk?
A bird that stinks to high heaven.
What does an educated owl say?
Whom.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
What did the baby owl's parents say when he
wanted
to go to a party?
You're not owld enough.
What do Scottish owls sing?
Owld Lang
Syne.
What did the scornful owl say?
Twit twoo.
Two owls were playing pool.
One said, "Two
hits."
The other replied, "Two hits to who?"
What do you get if you cross
a giant, hairy
monster with a penguin?
I don't know but it's a very tightfitting
tuxedo.
Why did a man's
pet vulture not make a sound
for five years?
It was stuffed.
Teacher: What's a robin?
Fred: A bird that
steals, ma'am.
What do you call a vulture with no
beak?
A head banger.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if
they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls (bagels, get
it?).
Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to
take ballet lessons?
"He wanted to be a hentertainer."
What kind of doctor does a duck
visit?
A
Ducktor.
Chicken to turkey: "Only Thanksgiving and
Christmas???
You're lucky, with us it's any Sunday."
Why did the chicken cross
the road in
Missouri?
To show the opossum it could be done.
How many ducks would there be,
if you saw two
ducks in front of two ducks, two ducks between two
ducks, and two
ducks behind two ducks?
Answer: 4 ducks-because they are in a
row.
A couple of pigeons made a
date to meet on
the ledge outside the tenth floor of a skyscraper. The
female was
there on time, but the male arrived an hour late.
"Where were you? I
was worried sick."
"It was such nice day, I decided to walk."
"Look at that speed!"
said one hawk to
another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their
heads.
"Hmph!"
snorted the other. "You would fly fast too if your tail was
on
fire!" |
