Who stole the sheets from the bed?
Bed
buglars.
What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?
Sleep in the wardrobe.
What do you call a python with a great bedside
manner?
A snake charmer.
What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?
Run!
Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister's
bed?
Son: I couldn't find a spider.
Doctor, doctor, I'm having difficulty sleeping.
Doctor: Well maybe it's your bed.
Oh, I'm all right at night,
it's in the day I have
problems.
Doctor, doctor, I keep dreaming there are great,
gooey, bug-eyed monsters
playing tiddley winks under my bed.
What shall I do?
Hide the tiddley winks.
Witch: Doctor, doctor, I don't feel well.
Doctor: Don't worry, you'll just have to go to bed for a spell.
The
hotel we stayed in for our holiday offered
bed and board, but it was
impossible to say which was the bed and
which was the board.
A little
boy came downstairs crying late one
night.
"What's wrong?" asked his mother.
"Do people really come
from dust, like they said in church?" he
sobbed.
"In a way they
do," said his mother.
"And when they die so they turn back to
dust?"
"Yes, they do."
The little boy began to cry again. "Well,
under my bed there's
someone either coming or going."
Two friends who lived in the town were chatting.
"I've just bought a pig," said the first.
"But where will you
keep it?" said the second.
"Your yard's much too small for a pig!"
"I'm going to keep it under my bed," replied his friend.
"But
what about the smell?"
"He'll soon get used to that."
When Mr Maxwell's wife left him,
he couldn't
sleep.
Why was that?
She had taken the bed.
Why did the composer spend all his time in
bed?
He wrote sheet music.
I don't think my Mom knows much about
children.
Why do you say that? Because she always puts me to bed when I'm
wide
awake, and gets me up when I'm sleepy!
I was once in a play called
Breakfast In Bed.
Did you have a big role?
No, just toast and marmalade.
Did you hear about the granny who plugged her
electric blanket into the toaster by mistake?
She spent the night
popping out of bed.
What is the softest bed for a
baby to sleep
on?
Cot-on-wool.
You can't have any more chocolates tonight. It's
not
good for you to go to bed on a full stomach.
Oh, Mum. I
promise I'll lay on my side.
I'd like to buy a bed,
please.
Certainly,
madam. Spring mattress?
Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all
year.
Three boys were sharing
the same bed on
holiday, but it was so crowded that one of them decided
to sleep on the
floor. After a while, one of his friends told him he
might as well
get in to bed again. There's lots of room now,' he
said.
How can you shorten a bed?
Don't sleep long
in it.
I'd love you to stay the night, but I'm
afraid you'll have to make your own bed.
Oh, that's all right, I
don't mind at all.
Right. Here's a hammer, a saw, and some
nails. The wood's in the
garage.
I have four legs, but only one
foot. What am I?
A bed
A neighbour bumped into Jenny playing outside her
house after
dark. 'Hello, Jenny,' said the neighbour. 'Isn't it
time for little
girls to be in bed?'
'How would I know?'
asked Jenny. 'I haven't got any little
girls.'
Why did the girl put her bed in the fireplace?
Because she wanted to sleep like a log.
Why do people go to bed?
Because the bed
won't come to them.
Shall I tell you the joke about the bed?
No,
because it hasn't been made up yet.
Why did the bed spread?
Because it saw the
pillow slip.
Mother: Did you make your bed today?
Daughter:
Yes, Mom, but I think it would be easier to buy one.
Why
does your brother wear a life jacket in
bed?
Because he sleeps on a waterbed !
Why did your sister keep running
around her
bed ?
Because she was trying to catch up with her sleep.
Why did the girl take a ruler to bed?
She
wanted to see how long she slept.
What animal always goes to bed
with its shoes
on ?
A horse !
Counselor: How many times did I tell you to make
your bed?
Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to
keep
count!
Sonny: I can't sleep. What should I
do?
Counselor: Lie near the edge of the bed. That way you'll be sure to
drop
off!
Why are rivers lazy?
Because they never get off
their beds.
Why do you go to bed?
Because the bed will not
come to you.
Why shouldn't you believe a
person in
bed?
Because he is lying.
How can you shorten a bed?
Don't sleep long in
it.
When does a bed grow longer?
At night, because
two feet are added to it.
When is your mind like a
rumpled bed?
When
it isn't made up yet.
Why did the kid punch the bed?
His mother told
him to hit the hay.
Why did the boy take the ruler to
bed?
He
wanted to see how long he slept.
Why did the man take a pencil to
bed ?
To
draw the curtains !
I woke up, went for a walk, my head fell off
and rolled away. I picked it up and put it on. A child walked up to me
and said: "Good grief, where are your feet?"
I must have left
them in bed !
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bed !
Bed who
?
Bed you can't guess who I am!
What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog
asleep on your bed?
Sleep on the sofa.
How do you know when there is an elephant under
your bed ?
When your nose touches the ceiling !
What do tigers wear in bed ?
Stripey pyjamas
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