A drunk stammers out of a bar
and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm
Jesus
Christ.''
The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm
Jesus Christ.''
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''
The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into
the
bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the
drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus
Christ, you're here again?''
There were these three
brothers that were
very close to each other. The brothers always went to a
local bar on
every Friday at 5:30 on the dot.
When the brothers
got married they all got married to their wifes to be
on the same
day and at the same place.
When the brothers moved away from
each other to go on with their lives
with their new wife, they all
promised each other that they would still
go to the bar every friday
at 5:30 and drink for each other.
On the first Friday that the
brothers were separated, the first brother
went to a local bar and
ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the
first glass the took
one sip from the second glass then from the third.
He did this
until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and
went home.
This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally
asked
why he did that. The guy explained about the promise th
at he had with his
brothers. The bartender said that he thought
that was a very good
promise to keep with each other.
One day
the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer.
The
bartender thinking something awful has happened, said "I am awfully
sorry about your brother."
The guy not knowing anything about
what the bartender was talking about
said "What happened to him?" The
bartender said that when he only
ordered two drinks instead of
three he thought that something awful had
happened.
The brother
then said "No, nothing happened to my brother, I just
decided to
give up alcohol."
A man walks in to a bar and
says to the
bartenter " Give me twenty shots of your best singlemalt
scotch quick!"]
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks
them as fast as he
can.
The bartender says " Wow. I never
saw anybady drink that fast."
The man says " well you would drink
as fast as I do if you had what I
have."
The bartender says
" Oh my god . what is it. what do you have?"
The man looks at
him and says " Fifty cents."
A guy stumbles
through the
front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a
beer.
The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,"I'm sorry sir, but
I
can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink." The
guy
swears and walks out of the bar.
Five minutes later the
guy comes flying through the side door of the
bar, and yells for a
beer.
Again the bartender says,"I'm sorry, sir...but I can't
serve
you...you've already had too much to drink!"
Ten
minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back
door
of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer.
Again, the bartender says to the man..."I'm really sorry, sir, but
you've had too much to drink...you're going to have to leave!"
The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, "My God,
man... How many bars do you work at?!!!"
One day an Englishman, an
American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to
each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy
their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The
American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly
out of his drink and started shaking it
over the pint, yelling...
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
A man is in a bar having a
drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks
up
the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off
again. This
time he picks the guy up and asks, ''Where do you
live?''
Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts
him in the
back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the
guy's house, the
man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3
times before
getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell
and the guy's wife
comes to the door. The man says, ''Hello,
I've brought your husband
home.''
The wife looks at the man
and asks, ''Where's his wheel
chair?''
A Congressman was once asked
about his attitude toward whiskey. "If
you mean the demon drink
that poisons the mind, pollutes the body,
desecrates family life, and
inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the
elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against
winter chill, the taxable
potion that puts needed funds into public coffers
to comfort little
crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my
position, and I
will not compromise."
A
cowboy walks in to a
bar and says," I want a beer." So after he drank
his beer he was
about to leave then he noticed that his horse was
gone.He shouted," if
i dont get my horse back after this beer i am gonna
have to do what
i did in Georgia. So he finished his beer and he saw his
horse was
back so he got on and rode a little, then the bartender asked
out
the window what did you have in Georgia? i had to walk home.
A
hotdog walks into a
bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't
serve food here".
An armless man walked into a
bar which is empty except for the bartender.
He ordered a
drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he
would get
the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the
glass to his lips.
The bartender did this until the man
finished his drink. He then asked
if the bartender would get a hanky
from his pocket and wipe the foam
from his lips.
The
bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to
have arms
and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man
said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is
your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replies -,
"The
closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the
street."
After the Great Britain Beer
Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out
for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I
would like the
world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off
a bottle from
the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from
Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world,
give me 'The
King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him
one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky
Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy
from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The
bartender is
a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other
brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you
drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I
figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
A guy
walked into a bar
and said
"Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender."
But
when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the
bartender beat him up.
The next day the guy did the same thing,
ordered a beer for everyone,
even the bartender, and the bartender beat
him up since the guy
couldn't pay.
Then the next day, the
guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you,
bartender!"
The
bartender said "Why?"
The guy replyed "You're violent when
you're drunk!"
A guy comes
walking into
a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black
and blue, two of his legs are bandaged,
and his whole shell is
taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and
asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Not a thing," the
man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than
your dog!"
"Not
a chance!", replies the barkeep.
"Okay then, says the guy...
you take your dog and let him stand at one
end of the bar. Then go
and stand at the other end of the room and call
your dog. I'll bet
you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my
turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The
bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of
three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and
throws it across the room,
narrowly missing the bartender, and
smashing into the wall and says -
"I WIN... Told you it'll
be there before your dog!"
A man in a bar
sees a
friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he
comments, "You look terrible. What's the
problem?"
"My mother
died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's
tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My
father died, leaving me
$50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in
two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt
died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in
three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the
friend, "nothing!"
Sign seen in a bar:
"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."
A Texan walks
into a pub
in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He
says,
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500
American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness
back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the
Texan's offer. One man even
leaves. Thirty minutes later the same
gentleman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is
your bet still good?", asks
the Irishman.
The Texan says
yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses
drinking them
all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan
sits in
amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If
ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you
were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to
the pub down the street to
see if I could do it first".
A cop is staking out a bar
for drunk
drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the
bar, trip on
the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the
key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and
drives
off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting
for him, pulls him over,
and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test
shows he has a blood
alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says,
'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the
designated
decoy.'
A man walks into a bar on
the top floor of a
skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After
taking a drink he sees
the guy next to him go over to the window
and jump out!
"Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out
the window!"
The bartender does nothing.
So the man
takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in,
orders
another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again.
"Jesus! He
just jumped again!"
The bartender ignores the man.
So
the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders
another drink.
"How did you survive that jump?".."I ordered a
floatie drink, if you
drink it in a certain amount of time, you can
float."
So the guy quickly orders a 'floatie' drink. He takes it
from the
bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window
and...SPLAT! Right
on the sidewalk!
The Bartender then say
s, "You know, Superman...you can be a real jerk
when you're
drunk."
A drunk is refused a drink
in a bar, so he
undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.
He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that
cat
coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see
four!"
The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he
responds,
"You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the
alcohol away,
"That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"
"I was married 3 times"
explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll
never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms
and my
3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a
shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat
the mushrooms!"
A man comes in to the room
and
says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."
The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies,
"Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"
The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off.
A man walks
into a bar
and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this
over and
over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and
after drinking it he looks into his pocket. the man responded " i have
a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then
i'll go home."
A herd of buffalo can move
only as fast as the slowest
buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it
is the slowest and weakest
ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for
the herd as a whole because the
general speed and health of the whole
group keeps improving by the
regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way
the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills
brain cells, but
naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
A man drinking
at the
bar for three hours, yells at the bartender for another drink.
The
bartender walks over and tells the man that he has already had too
much to drink.
The man looks up from his glass angrily and shouts. "I
have been
drinking for 36 years and I have no idea when I have had
too much ...so how
the hell do you know?"
The husband was not home at
his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later
and
later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front
door, and
as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her
husband, drunk as a
skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you
realize what time it is?" she asked.
He answered, "Don't get
excited. I'm late because I bought something
for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to
meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
A guy walks into a bar and
orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though.
As he's drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how
bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his
expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I
SPIT IN
THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom.
When he comes
back about 15 minutes later, there's another 3x5 note
card next to
his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".
McPherson walked
into a
bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the
olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and
all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse
me," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what
McPherson
had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the
Irishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar of
olives."
A group of loud and rowdy
drunks were making a racket in the
street. It was the wee small hours
of the morning and the lady of the
house flung open a window and
shouted at them to keep quiet.
"Is this where Frank lives?" one of
the drunks asked.
"Yes, it is," the woman replied.
"Well
then," said the drunk, "Could you come and pick him out so the
rest
of us can go home?"
A man walks into a bar with
a piece of
asphalt under his arm and asks the barman "Can I have a
drink for me and
one for the road?"
Two ladies are in a bar and
the first lady says, "Why are men the same as parking lots".
So the second lady says "I don't know?"
So the first lady
says, " all the good ones are taken and the ones
that are left are
handicap!"
Remember, an alcoholic & a
drunk are not
the same thing at all.
The alcoholic has to attend
meetings.
Contrary to what people say,
you can indeed drink to relax.
Of course sometimes, you get so
calm, you can't move.
Ever hear the
expression
"hard drinker" ? Never made much sense
to me, drinking's one of the
easiest things in the world to do.
A
Skeleton walks into a
bar, asks for a beer... and a mop.
A snail goes into a bar and
orders a beer.
The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve
snails' and throws him out.
A couple of weeks later the snail goes
into the bar again and says...
'What did you do that for!'
A guy walks into a bar with
a dog under
his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the
dog can talk
and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who
says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the
owner looks at the dog and
asks, "What's the thing on top of this
building which keeps the rain
from coming inside?"
The dog answers
"ROOF."
The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask
him
something else."
The bartender agrees and the owner
turns to the dog and asks, "Who was
the greatest ballplayer of all
time?"
The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH."
With that the
bartender picks them both up and throws them out the
door.
As
they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says,
"DiMaggio?"
At the end of the night a
man leaves the bar.
Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and
slaps her in the face.
Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks
her over.
He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's
done he bends down
to her and says, "not so tough tonight, are you
Batman?"
An Indian,
a Rabbi, the
Pope, an Italian, and an Irishman all walk into a bar
together and
sit down. The bartender looks at all 5 of them and says,
"What is
this... some kind of joke?"
"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a
'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next
barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you
when you've
drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for
years!"
A pirate was talking to a
"land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any
self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of
his
hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to
find out how
the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,
"How did you
loose your leg?"
The pirate responded, "I lost
me leg in a battle off the coast of
Jamaica!" His new acquaintance
was still curious so he asked, "What about
you hand. Did you lose
it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to
the sharks off the Florida
Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I
notice you also have an eye
patch. How did you lose your eye?"
The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew
over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How
could a
little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"
Th
e pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook."
Last New
Year's Eve,
one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it
was time to
get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every
husband to be
standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
It was embarrassing - The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Two
men who are out
walking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to
the other, "Boy
it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the
bar and get a
beer, but the sign on the front door says, "No Pets
Allowed," and I
can't leave Fido alone on the street."
The other man replies,
"No problem, just stand by the door and watch
me, and you'll be
having that beer real soon!" The second man reaches
into his pocket
and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks
into the bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring
that dog
in here!" The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my
seeing-eye
dog!" The bartender says, "Oh, okay then." The man drinks
his beer and
leaves.
The first man then puts on dark
sunglasses and goes into the bar. The
bartender looks up and says, "Hey
buddy, you can't bring that dog in
here!" The man says, "But
I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!"
The bartender
says, "Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua
seeing-eye dog!"
The man, thinking quickly, blurts out, "Oh, man! You mean they
gave me
a Chihuahua?"
A guy walks into a bar
carrying a pair of jumper
cables. He sets 'em down on the bar. And then
the bartender said "Now dont
you start anything!!"
A man stumbles up to the
only other patron in
a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
'Why, of course,' comes the reply.
The first man then asks,
'Where are you from?'
'I'm from Ireland,' replies the second
man.
The first man responds by saying, 'You don't say. I'm
from Ireland
too. Let's have another round to Ireland.'
'Of
course,' replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks,
'Where in Ireland are you from?'
'Dublin,' comes the
reply.
'I can't believe it,' says the first man, 'I'm from Dublin too.
Let's have another drink to Dublin.'
'Of course,'
replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man
asks, 'What school did you
go to?'
'St Mary's,' replies the
second man, 'I graduated in 1962.'
'This is unbelievable,'
the first man says. 'I went to St Mary's
and I graduated in
1962 too.'
About that time, one of the regulars comes in and
sits down at the bar.
'What's been going on?' he asks the
barman.
'Nothing much,' replies the barman. 'The O'Malley twins
are drunk
again.'
A number twelve walks into a
bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
"Sorry I can't
serve you," states the barman.
"Why not?!" asks the number
twelve with anger showing in its voice.
"You're under 18," replies
the barman.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a
Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a
great-looking
female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver
and
cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman
says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies,
"That's not good
enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says,
"That's not
creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says,
"Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
A
serious drunk walked
into a bar and, after staring for some time at the
only woman seated
at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She
jumped up and
slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained,
"I'm
sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she
screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Two guys
were in a bar,
and they were both watching the television when the news
came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously
suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet
you
$10 he won't," said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the
television closed his eyes and threw himself off
the bridge. The second guy
hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said
the first guy. "I cheated you. The
same story was on the five
o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said
the second guy. "I saw the five
o'clock news too. I just didn't think
the guy was dumb enough to
jump again!"
John was sitting outside his
local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good
about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts
decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of
yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin!
Alcohol is the blood of the
devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the
offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother
Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How
can you be sure that what
you are saying is right?"
"Don't
be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it
is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun,
sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman
to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will
ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he
lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka
in a
teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
A neutron walks into a bar.
"I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a
beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?"
replies the bartender, "no charge"
A circus owner
walked
into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little
show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck
from
its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for
$10,000
for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus
owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your
duck is a ripoff! I put
him on the pot before a whole audience, and he
didn't dance a
single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember
to light the
candle under the pot?"
A man walks into a bar, and
as he makes his
way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone
in the bar. As he
finishes with each group of people, they all get
up and leave and go stand
outside the window, looking in. Finally,
the bar is empty except for
this guy and the bartender. The man
walks up to the counter, and says to
the bartender, "I bet you $1,000
that I can spray beer from my mouth
into a shot glass from thirty
feet away, and not get any outside the
glass."
The bartender
thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his
$1,000, so he
agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty
feet,
and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He
doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender
looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000,
huh?"
The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the
nwindow $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over
the
bar."
A man who smelled like a
distillery flopped on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man's tie
was stained, his face was plastered with
red lipstick, and a half
empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few
minutes, the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say,
father, what causes
arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow
man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his
paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man
and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so
strong. How long
did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it
father. I was just reading here that the Pope
does."
A man walks into a bar and
says, "Bartender, give me two shots."
Bartender says, "You want them
both now or one at a time?" The guy
says," Oh, I want them both
now. One's for me and one's for this
little guy here," and he pulls
a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He
can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender
pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks
it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can
he
walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the
bar and says, "Hey,
Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to
the end of the bar and
picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down
and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock.
"That's amazing" he says, "what
else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time w
e
were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's
powers!"
A good samaritan was walking
home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk.
Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep".
"Would
you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the
second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"
"Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want
to
face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he
was the
one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he
came to and
shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However,
when he went
back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked
that drunk "Do you
live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you
upstairs?"
"Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the
first drunk. Then
went back downstairs.
Where, to his
surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to
him. But b
efore he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman
and
cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.
He's been doing
nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and
throwing me down
the elevator shaft!"
John & Jessica were on their
way
home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the
police. The
officer told John that he was stopped because his tail
light was burned
out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't
realize it was
out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then
Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two
days
ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's
license and after looking at it said,
"Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize
that it
had expired and would take care of it first thing in the
morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent
you a letter
telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him
in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice,
"Jessica,
will you shut up!"
The officer then leaned over
toward Jessica and asked. "Does your
husband always talk to you
like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
A seal walks into a bar
and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal,
"What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but
Canadian Club."
John Smith lived in
Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the
ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and
found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a
nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he
got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet
from
the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for
dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the
boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck
hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait?
We were
just pulling in!"
Yesterday, scientists in the
United States
revealed that beer contains small traces of female
hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve
pints of beer
and observed that 100% of them started talking
nonsense and couldn't
drive.
Three vampires walk into a
bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the
first
vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I
vould like
some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire
and asks what he would like.
The vampire responds, "I vould like
some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what
he would like.
The vampire responds, "I vould like some
plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order
correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
A man walks into a pub
and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog
bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge
chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
A golf club walks into a
local bar and asks
the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman
refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be
driving later," replies the bartender.
A motorway walks
into a
pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink.
He
just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.
The motorway
sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the
bar and ducks
down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him
and says,
"What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got
six
lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of
tarmac?
The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do.
He's a
cyclepath."
The bartender asks the guy
sitting at the bar, "What'll you
have?" The guy answers, "A scotch,
please." The bartender hands him
the drink, and says "That'll be
five dollars," to which the guy
replies, "What are you talking
about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby
and overhearing the conversation, then says to
the bartender, "You
know, he's got you there. In the original offer,
which constitutes
a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no
stipulation of
remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the
guy, "Okay, you beat
me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you
in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says, "What the
heck are you doing in here? I can't believe
you've got the audacity to
come back!"
The guy says, "What
are you talking about? I've never been in this
place in my l
ife!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is
uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you.
Make it a scotch."
A brain walks into a bar and
says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks
at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" askes the
brain.
"You're already out of your head."
One night, this guy come
into a
bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for
another. After
a couple more drinks, the bartender gets
worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into
a fight," explained the guy "and now she
isn't talking to me for a
whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while.
"But, isn't it a good
thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked
the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."
A man had been out in the
back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't
smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for
a few
beers.
In the bar, he saw the local jock of the
town's football team. He was
bragging about his girlfriend and how she
was lucky to have him for a
boyfriend.
The lumberjack, after
drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say,
"Buddy, if she went
out with me, she'd never go out with you ever
again."
To
which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you,
she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again."
A regular at Bob's Bar
came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that
appeared extremely painful.
"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender.
"Who gave those beauties to you?"
"Nobody gave them to me," said
Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for
both of them."
A man walks into a bar and
has a couple of beers. Once
he is donem the bartender tells him he
owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that
the
bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls
the same
stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid,
I'll take your word for
it."
Soon the customer goes into the
street, sees an old friend, and tells
him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls
when,
suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny
thing
happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither
paid and both
claimed that they did. The next guy who tries
that is going to get
punched right in the nose."
"Don't
bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds.
"Just
give me my change and I'll be on my way."
It seems a gentleman had too
much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a
state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a
straight
line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out
a ticket
and had just given it to the driver before an accident in
the opposite
lane took his attention to more important
matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming
back to
him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the
morning by a
knock at the door, created by two more state
troopers.
"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he
was.
"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the
influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.
"And what did
you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied
that he drove his
car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the t
roopers enquired. The man answered that
it was in the
garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure,"
and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state
troopers car.
The drunk was
floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into
a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
"A
mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get.
When I get drunk I see snakes,
and I'm scared to death of snakes.
That's why I got this mongoose, for
protection."
"But,"
the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of
the
box, "So is the mongoose."
A man drinks a shot of
whiskey every
night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him
to quit; she
gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the
other with
whiskey.
After getting him to the table that had
the glasses, she brings his
bait box. She says "I want you to see
this." She puts a worm in the
water it, and it swims
around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then
says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have
to
say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying: "If I
drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
A
man walks into a bar
and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets
it down. While he
is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and
steals the pint
of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.
The man
asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the
piano
player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you
know
your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum
it, I'll play it."
Every night, after dinner, a
man took off for
the local tavern. He spent the whole evening
there, and arrived home very
drunk around midnight each night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the
door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and
let
him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for
his
constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But,
Harry
continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was
talking to a friend about her husband's
behavior, and was
particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened to her, and then
said, "Why don't you treat him a
little differently, when he comes
home? Instead of berating him, why
don't you give him some loving
words, and welcome him home with a kiss?
He then might change his
ways."
The wife thought that might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight,
he
arrived home, in his usual condition.
His wife heard him
at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the
door, and let
Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always
done, she took
his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him
down in an easy
chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his
shoes off. Then she
went behind him, and started to cuddle him a
little. After a little
while, she said to him, "It's pretty late,
dear. I think we had better go
upstairs to bed, now, don't you
think?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we
might as
well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife
when I get home
anyway!"
A small balding man storms
into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest
whiskey
you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The
bartender,
noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours
him a double
of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and
says, "Gimme
another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says,
"Now, before I
give you this, why don't you let off a little steam
and tell me why
you're so upset?"
So, the man begins his
tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next
door, when this gorgeous
blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at
the bar. I thought,
"Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it
was kind of a
fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the
blonde leans
over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to
have dinner
and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening,
r
and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my
head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar.
This
seemed just too good to be true."
He continued, "She
took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up
to her room. She
said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be
ready to go down
to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I
put my feet
up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and
someone
starts fumbling with the door."
"The blonde says, 'Oh my god,
it's my boyfriend. He must have lost
his wrestling match tonight,
he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"
"So, I opened the closet,
but I figured that was probably the first
place he would look, so I
didn't hide there. Then I looked under the
bed, but no, I figured
he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could
hear the key in the
lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out
and wa
s hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see
me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit
frustrated
at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy
finally get the door open and he yells
out, 'Who you been with now,
you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody,
honey, now calm
down.'"
Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door
off
the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy,
I'm
glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed
and throw
it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there
either. Then
I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the
window?' I think,
'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'
But, the
blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince
him to
stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I
hear
water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a
bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher
of
scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I
mean, look
at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and
shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten
me mad for sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy
starts slamming the
window shut over and over on my hands. I mean,
look at my fingers.
They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto
this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says,
"Yeah, buddy, I can
understand why you are so upset."
"No,
that wasn't what really got me so angry though."
The bartender
then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally
make you
anger?"
"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and
looked
down--I was only about six inches off the ground."
A fellow decides to
take
off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes
at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After
leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his
house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes
off his shoes and
starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the
stairs though, he
falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That
wouldn't
have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint
bottles in
his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his
back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was
hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he
checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was
cut up
terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under
the
circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morn
ing, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he
was
hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when
his
wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last
night," she said. "Where'd you
go?"
"I worked late," he
said, "and I stopped off for a couple of
beers."
"A couple of
beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got
plastered last
night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last
night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when
I got up this
morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the
mirror."
A man had
been drinking
at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his
girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it
was so
cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw
the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The
bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the
drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on
his
girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy
and his
girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar
laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Dave!" the
fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks
he's me!"
I walked into a bar the
other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brought out a guy who
looked just like me.
Two men
walked into a
bar.
You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
Two cartons of yogurt walk
into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to
them,
"We don't serve your kind in here."
One of the
yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured
individuals."
Barty and Dunny met in a pub
and discussed the illness
of a friend named Hogan.
"Poor
Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."
"Shure,
an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.
"Ah, he's gotten
so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but
by my soul,
Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put
together."
The local District Judge had
given the defendant a lecture on the evils
of drink. But in view of
the fact that this was the first time the man
had been drunk and
incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten
shillings costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice
sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I
can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?"
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"
Monahan stumbled
into a
saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall
is
a penguin?"
"About two and a half feet."
"Thank God!"
cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"
"Didja hear the news?"
asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife
left him!"
"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto
walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few
minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big
white
horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt,
and said,
"I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger
and said, "I just thought you
would like to know that your horse is
just about dead outside!!" The Lone
Ranger and Tonto rushed outside
and, sure enough, Silver was about dead
from heat exhaustion. The
Lone Ranger got him some water and made him
drink it, and soon
Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned
to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run
around Silver and see
if you can create enough of a breeze to make him
start to feel
better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles
around
Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lon
e Ranger returned to
the bar to finish his drink.
A few
minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who
owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands
again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him
this time?"
The
cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to
know............ you left your Injun running!!!"
A man walks into a Kansas
bar
with his golden retriever. "Hey," says the bartender, "No dogs
allowed in the bar." "Oh please?," begs the customer.
You see,
you're playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big
fan of
the Royals." "You're trying to tell me that this here dog is a
BASEBALL FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar," says the bartender.
"No
animals allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs don't
like baseball!"
Just then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes
wild. He jumps up on the
bar and hops around in circles on his hind
legs. Then he does the same
on his front legs! The bartender is
astounded. "That is the most
amazing thing I've ever seen! Who ever
thought a DOG could like
baseball?! I'm curious though....if he gets
that excited when the Royals get
a hit, what does he do when they
get a home run?"
"I don't know," confesses the owner, "I
've only had him for five
years."
The local bar was so sure
that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a
standing $1000 bet. The bartender
would squeeze a lemon until all
the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone
who could squeeze one more drop of juice out
would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen,
etc.)
but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man
came into the bar, wearing thick
glasses and a polyester suit, and
said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like
to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind
to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to
total silence as the man clenched
his fist around the lemon and six
drops fell into the glass!!
As the crowd cheered, the bartend
er paid the $1000, and asked the
little man "what do you do for a
living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weight-lifter, or what?"
The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."
Q: What did
the
bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?
A: Ok
you 2, dont start anything
It was Halloween and three
vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will
you
have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of
blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please,"
said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two
bloods and a blood light?"
Twenty-four hours in a
day... twenty-four
beers in a case... coincidence?
One day a drunk walked into
a bar and
ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured
the rest on the
bartender.
The bartender got angry, grabbed the
drunk by the collar, pulled him
close to his face, and asked,
"Why did you do that?"
The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so
very sorry sir. Please
forgive me. I can't help it. It's an
illness I can't get rid of. I am
so ashamed of it. How can I make it up
to you?"
The bartender answered,
"Haven't you seen anyone
about this problem?"
The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe
I will."
The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get
help," and the
drunk left.
About three months later the drunk came
back to the same bar, ordered
another gin and tonic, drank half of
it, and poured the rest of it on
the bartender.
The bartender
shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until
you got
help!"
The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."
A guy walks
into a
tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man
playing
the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all
about?"
The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy
asked
the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get
your
drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one
wish."
"Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and
rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You
have
one wish."
The guy thought about it and then wished for
a million bucks. A cloud
of smoke filled the room, and then both
the genie and the guy
disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy
reappeared back in the bar with a million
ducks all around him.
The
guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want
a
million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a
twelve-inch Pianist?"
A rather attractive woman
goes up to the bar in a
quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to
the bartender who comes
over immediately.
When he arrives,
she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
which is
full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking
his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no," he
replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I
can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble.
"Is there
anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a
message," she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth
and allowing him to suck
them gently. "Tell him that there is no
toilet paper in the ladies
room."
Recently scientists revealed
that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove
their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of
beer
each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained
weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and
couldn't drive.
No further testing is planned.
A man walks into a bar and
asks for
six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's
wrong?"
"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the
man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six
shots of
vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.
"I found out
my younger brother is gay," replied the man.
The night after
that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for
six shots of
vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?"
asked the
bartender.
The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."
A Texan bought a round of
drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a
typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
Two weeks later
he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him
and asked,
"Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that
weighed twenty
pounds at birth?"
"Yup, shore am!"
"How much does he
weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."
The
bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty
pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"
Old man
O'Malley had
worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just
wasn't
paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over
into the
beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job
to inform the Widow O'Malley
of her old man's death. He showed up
at the front door and rang the
bell. When she came to the door, he
said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but
your poor husband passed away at
work today when he fell into the vat
and drowned."
She wept
and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between
sobs,
she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"Knowing Brian O'Malley as
well as I did, I don't think so," said
the foreman, "He got out
three times to go to the men's room."
A
rather confident man
walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his
watch for a
moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running
late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art
watch and I
was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A
state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"
"It
uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he
explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you're not
wearing any panties." he said.
The woman giggles and replies,
"Well it must be broken then because I
am wearing panties!"
The
man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a
'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next
barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when
you've
drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted
gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for
years!"
WARNING: consumption of
alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of
alcohol may cause you to
roll over in the morning and see something
really scary (whose species
and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of
alcohol may
lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of
alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of
alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small
(and
sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.
WARNING: consumption of
alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the
world. Proceed with
caution.
WARNING: consumption of
alcohol may create
the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and
smarter than some
really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of
alcohol may
lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you
to telephone
them at four in the morning.
A Russian walks into a bar
and orders a
beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender.
"One ruble!"
the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty
kopeks!" "Well,"
replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer
and fifty
kopecs for the perestroika." Reluctantly, the customer
gives the bartender
a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender
gives him back fifty
kopecs and says, "We are out of beer."
A Scotsman is sitting in a
bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large
black
beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of
whisky. The
bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts
walking out
the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to
pay for
that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The
bartender says,
"Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes
later another man with a large black beard walks in. The
man goes
to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves
him,
the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The
bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says,
"Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and
the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar
and orders a shot of
whisky. He drinks the whisky then start
s walking out the door. The
bartender says, "Hey aren't you going
to pay for that?" The Scotsman
says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Hey where is
your big black beard?" The
Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt
and says, "Secret Service!"
A guy goes up to this girl
in a bar and
says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I
don't like this song, but even if I did, I
wouldn't
dance with
you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I
said you
look
fat in those pants."
Marley stopped at the town
barbershop for a
haircut. After thirty-five minutes of snipping and
cutting, the barber
held a mirror behind Marley's head.
"How
you like it?" asked the barber. "Real fine," said the redneck.
"But
how 'bout making it a little longer in the back?"
How do
barmen surf the
web?
On the Gin-ternet.
Where do Martians drink beer
?
At a mars bar !
An angry wife was
complaining
about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night
he
took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I
don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.
So the husband
ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in
one
gulp.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately
spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't
know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried
the husband. "And you think I'm out
enjoying myself every
night!"
What happened when the
barman died?
The police held an inn-quest |
