An accountant visited the Natural History
museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor:
"This
dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did
you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and
the guide told me that the dinosaur is
two billion years old."
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed
robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the
tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up
against
a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is
going on accountant number one jams something in
accountant number
two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two
whispers, "What
is this?" to which accountant number one replies,
"it's that $50 I
owe you."
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping
and goes to see
his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at
night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the
problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours
trying to find
it."
A patient was at her doctor's office after
undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some
very grave
news for you. You only have six months to
live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
The doctor
replied, "Marry an accountant."
"Will that make me live longer?"
asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM
longer."
Why do
accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
Why accountants don't read
novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
A guy in a bar
leans over to the guy
next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant
joke?"
The
guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you
should
know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And
the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an
accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The
first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two
times."
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what
does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."
A 54-year-old
accountant leaves a letter
for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I
am 54 years old,
and by the time you get this letter I will be at the
Grand Hotel
with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."
When he
arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that
read
as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time
you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen
year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely
appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into
18."
A
business owner tells her friend that
she is desperately searching for an
accountant.
Her friend
asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short
while
ago?"
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been
searching for."
A young accountant spends a week at his new
office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every
morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens
his
desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing
sheet of
paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with
renewed vigor,
returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins
his day's work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly
wait to read for
himself the message contained in the envelope in
the drawer, particularly
since he feels so inadequate in replacing
the far wiser and more highly
esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks
to himself, it must contain the
great secret to his success, a
wondrous treasure of inspiration and
motivation. His fingers tremble
anxiously as he removes the mysterious
envelope from the drawer and
reads the following message:
"Debits in the column toward t
he file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window."
Q: What is a Budget? A: An
orderly
system for living beyond your means.
How many accountants
does it take to
change a light bulb?
"What kind of answer did you have in
mind?"
Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done
within the given budget.
What's the definition of an
accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you
don't understand.
What's the definition of a good tax
accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
When does a person decide to become an
accountant?
When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed
as an
undertaker.
Why did God invent economists?
So
accountants could have someone to laugh at.
What's an actuary?
An accountant without
the sense of humour.
Why do some accountants
decide to become
actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
What do actuaries do to liven up
their
office party?
Invite an accountant.
What does an accountant use for birth
control?
His personality.
What's an extroverted accountant?
One
who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his
own.
What do you call an accountant who is seen
talking to someone?
Popular
What's the definition of unlikely?
A
photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants -
Nude!'.
What's an accountant's idea of trashing
his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
How do you drive an accountant completely
insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a
road map the
wrong way.
What's the most wicked thing a group of
young accountants
can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
What's the most wicked thing a
group of
young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
What does an accountant say when
you ask
him the time?
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no
wait - 14
seconds, no wait......
The accountant's prayer: Lord, help me be
more
relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at
10.53:16 am,
Eastern Daylight Saving Time.
Conversation between two accountants at a
cocktail party:
".......and ninthly..."
What do accountants suffer from that
ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
What does it mean when an accountant is
drooling out of
both sides of his mouth?
His desk is level
How do you know accountants have no
imagination?
They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.
There are three kinds of
accountants in
the world.
Those who can count and those who can't.
What do you call an accountant without a
spreadsheet?
Lost
How can you tell when the Chief Accountant
is getting soft?
When he actually listens to Marketing before saying
No
When do
accountants laugh out
loud?
When somebody asks for a raise
Why do accountants get excited on
Saturdays?
They can wear casual clothes to work
How do you know when an
accountant's on
holidays?
He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30.
What would Economics be without
assumptions?
Accounting
What does CPA stand for?
Can't Produce
Anything
What does FCPA stand for?
Finally Caught
Pinching the Assets
Why did the auditor cross the
road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last
year.
Why did he cross back?
So he could charge
the client for travel expenses.
How many auditors does it take to change a
light bulb?
How many did it take last year?
How many cost accountants does it
take
to change a light bulb?
Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and
get back to you
Laws of
Accounting
1. Trial balances
don't
2. Bank reconciliations never do
3. Working Capital does
not
4. Return on Investments never will
Who was the first accountant?
Adam. He
got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the
first
entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly
accounts
and raised the first liability.
What's a shy and retiring
accountant?
An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's
retiring.
A businessman tells his friend that his
company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't
your company hire a new accountant a few
weeks ago?"
The
businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking
for."
A businessman hires a private detective to
find a missing
accountant.
The detective tells him that he needs
a description and asks a few
questions.
"Was he tall or was he
short?"
The businessman replies, "Both!"
A Martian lands to plunder,
pillage and
burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and
says,
"I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy.
We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you
think about that?"
The owner replies, "I don't have an
opinion. I'm a chartered
accountant."
The accountant had just read the story of
Cinderella to his
four-year-old daughter for the first time. The
little girl was fascinated
by the story, especially the part where the
pumpkin turns into a golden
coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy,
when the pumpkin turned into a
golden coach, would that be classed
as income or a long-term capital
gain?"
Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to
his young child:
"No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep
that wouldn't be tax
deductible, but I like your thinking".
Wife to husband as they watch their young
son playing:
"He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until
he's older before we
tell him you're an accountant."
"The auditors have just left,
sir."
"Did they check the books?"
"Very thoroughly."
"What
did they say?"
"They want 15% to keep quiet."
The doctor comes to see his heart
transplant patient.
"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we
have two donors to
choose from for your new heart."
The patient
is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher
and the other was an accountant."
"I'll take the accountant's
heart," says the patient. "I want one
that hasn't been used."
The managing partner in an accounting firm
is very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has called him
in
to chastise him.
"How could you possibly advise the client
in the way you did? That was
completely unethical. We are always
conscious of Ethics in this firm.
You do know what Ethics is don't
you?"
The young partner is offended. "Of course I know what
Ethics is. It's
a county in southern England."
An auditor is checking the books of
an
airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to
Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an
explanation.
"It was late at night'" says the pilot, "Canberra was covered in
fog and I lost my bearings."
"I'm sorry," says the auditor,
"but you'll have to bear the cost
yourself."
"The cost of
what?" asks the pilot.
"Of the bearings you lost."
An auditor was examining the balance sheet
of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the
Pilbara
area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was
partly for
the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly
for the
thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of
acres. The auditor,
being very diligent, noted that the value of the
sheep formed a
significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew
that he would have to
verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and
flew up to the station. The
manager was at the airstrip to meet
him.
"Hello," he said. "I'm the auditor. I've come to count the
sheep."
Mr Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large
manufacturing concern.
Every day, on arriving at work, he would
unlock the top drawer of his
desk, peer at something inside, then
close and lock the drawer. He had
done this for 25 years. The entire
staff was intrigued but no-one was
game to ask him what was in the
drawer. Finally the time came for Mr
Evans to retire. There was a
farewell party with speeches and a
presentation. As soon as Mr Evans
had left the building some of the staff rushed
into his office,
unlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the
bottom of the
drawer was a sheet of paper. It read, "The debit side is
the one nearest
the window."
A business man was interviewing
applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to
select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each
applicant the
question, "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee
was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."
The second was a
social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer
but I'm glad we
had time to discuss this important question."
The third
applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and
showed the answer
to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He
stated that in the case of Jenkins v
Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld),
two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an
accountant. The business man asked him, "How
much is two and
two?"
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and
closed
it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk
and said in a
low voice, "How much do you want it to
be?"
He got the job.
Once upon a time there was a beautiful oil
company.
All day long she loved to run up and down the share price
list, laughing
and skipping. But one day she was very sad, because
she couldn't find
an interim dividend anywhere and she knew people
would be very angry if
she couldn't produce it.
"What's
wrong, little oil company?" said a gruff voice nearby.
She looked
around and there was a funny little creature with
spectacles, a
bald patch and shaving cuts.
"I can't find a dividend," she said
and started crying again.
"Don't worry," said the creature. "I
can find you one."
"How?" said the oil company, "And who are
you?"
"I'm an accountant," he said. "As for how I do it, never you
mind
about that. But there's one condition. If I do find it for
you, you
must agree to let me stay with you."
"Yes, yes!" she
said, anxious only to get the dividend.
The accountant disap
peared into some books nearby and stayed there for
a while. She
could hear him muttering and tut-tutting and transferring
accounts.
Then he emerged and put his long sloping hand into hers.
"I've
found you a dividend," he said.
Her usual cheerfulness returned
in an instant and she rushed off to
tell her father, the Chairman.
She forgot all about the accountant until
he followed her in and
reminded her of her promise; despite all her
tears, her father
insisted that she keep her word and that night the little
accountant slept
on the floor beside her bed.
The next morning she opened her
eyes and to her amazement she saw the
accountant was exactly the same
as he had been before.
"I know what you're thinking," smiled
the accountant. "You're
quite right. Before I was changed into an
accountant I was a handsome young
man with a devil-may-care attitude
and considerable joie de vivre."
"Then change back!" said t
he oil company, clapping her hands.
"Are you crazy?" said the
accountant. "Handsome young men are two a
penny but clever, ugly
little accountants are worth their weight in
gold."
There once was an accountant who lived her whole life
without
ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In
fact, she
made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win
situation.
One day while walking down the street she was
tragically hit by a bus
and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where
she was met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome
to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in
though it
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never
once
had an accountant make it this far and we're not really sure what
to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the
accountant. "Well, I'd like
to, but I have higher orders. What we're
going to do is let you have a
day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then
you can choose whichever one
you want to spend an eternity in
."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay
in
Heaven"
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that
St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went
down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found
herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In
the
distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her
friends - fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were
all
dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran
up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old
times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country
club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met
the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute)
and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. The accountant
was having such a
good time that before she knew it, it was ti
me to leave. Everybody
shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got
on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up
at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's
time to spend a day in
heaven."
So the accountant spent the
next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
playing the harp and
singing. She had a great time and before she knew
it her 24 hours
were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in
hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your
eternity."
The accountant paused for a second and then replied,
"Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really
great and all, but
I think I had a better time in Hell."
So
St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened
she
found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in
garbage and
filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and
were picking up the
garbage and putting it in sacks.
The
Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't
understand,"
stammered the accountant, "Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had
a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my
friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled.
"That's because yesterday you
were a recruit, but today you're
staff."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An
accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer.
There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview.
They
ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says
"What
is nine multiplied by four?"
He thinks quickly and
says "Thirty five." When the in
terview is over
he goes outside, takes out his calculator and
finds the correct answer
is not thirty five. He thinks "Well, I blew
that" and goes home very
disappointed.
Next day he is rung up
and told he has got the job. "Wonderful," he
says, "but what about
nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn't
right"
"We know,
but of all the candidates you came the closest."
A man walking along a country road comes
across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a
while and then says, "Tell you what, I'll bet you $100 against one
of
your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that
flock."
The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can't
see how
anyone could guess correctly so he says, "OK. You're
on."
"Nine hundred and thirty two," says the man.
The farmer
takes off his hat and scratches his head. "I don't know
how you did
it but that's exactly right. A bet's a bet. Take any
sheep."
The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer
says, "Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your
occupation."
The man thinks, "How would he know, he's never met
me before" and
says "Righto. You're on".
The farmer says,
"You're an auditor with a Big Four firm."
The man whistles
. "How the heck did you know that?"
"Well," says the farmer,
"put my dog down and I'll tell you."
An
accountant goes into a pet shop to
buy a parrot. The shop owner shows
him three identical parrots on a
perch and says, "The parrot on the
left costs $500."
"Why
does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant.
"Well,"
replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."
"How much does
the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant.
"That one costs
$1,000 because it can do everything the first one can
do plus it
knows how to prepare financial forecasts".
The startled accountant
asks about the third parrot, to be told it
costs $4,000. Needless to
say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the
owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a
darn thing, but
the other two call him Senior Partner."
Three partners
in an accounting firm go
out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the
tax partner and the
senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying
in the gutter.
Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a
genie
appears.
"You know the deal," says the genie. "Three wishes. But
seeing there
are three of you, you can have one wish
each."
"Great," says the audit partner. "Take me to the Whitsunday Islands,
give me a blonde and an endless supply of XXXX and leave me there for
ever."
Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he
is gone.
"Now me," says the tax partner. "Take me to the Cook
Islands, give
me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax
schemes and leave
me there for ever."
Pouf! There is a flash
of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.
The genie turns to the
senior partner. "And what do you want?"
"I want those two ba
ck in the office straight after lunch."
An
internal auditor for a manufacturing
group was concerned about anomalies in
stock levels. He thought
someone might be pinching stock but he
couldn't prove it. He had his
eye on one shifty-looking individual who every
day drove his old
truck out of the factory with the load covered by a
tarpaulin. Time
after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him
remove the
tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there
was only
scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to
the
tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the
tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there
might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never
find
anything amiss.
After a few months of this the auditor was
offered a better job
elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he
was drinking in a pub when the
shifty character walked in. On a
n impulse the auditor went up to him and
said, "Look, I've left
the company, I'm not interested in taking it
any further and I
won't shop you, but I just have to know. What were
you
taking?"
And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."
A young accountant, straight out
of uni,
applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is
interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from
scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the
man, "but
mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant.
"I have lots of
things to worry about, but I want someone else to
worry about money
matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you
offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the
owner.
"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford
to
pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first
worry."
The young accounting graduate, fresh out of
uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The
prospective
employer asked him what starting salary he was looking
for.
"Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits
package."
"Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5%
superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home
telephone
reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000
kilometres, say a
Mercedes convertible."
The graduate sat up straight
and tried not to look excited. "Wow. Are
you
kidding?"
"Yeah. But you started it."
A tourist, visiting a small town in
Israel, came upon a statue dedicated
to "The Unknown Soldier". At the
base of the statue, a sign was
displayed:
"Here lies Seymour
Ruthenberg".
The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it
possible an
unknown
had a name.
The resident replied, "As a
soldier, that Seymour was pretty much
unknown,
but as an
accountant-Oy! He was something."
Q: How many Accountants
does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: What sort of answer did you have in mind
?
A: None-just assume it's changed.
What's an extroverted accountant?
One
who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his
own. |
